Hey Guys,
Today I want to chat with you about forgiveness, this is a topic close to my heart, Iy have a huge interest in the implications of forgiveness in all areas of our life.
I want to share a little bit with you on how beneficial this can be to you and your life.
Throughout life we go through many things
we experience a conjunction of emotions that we are taught to believe to be "normal".
many times we hear
"is your cross carry it..."
"welcome to adulthood"
"life is hard..."
and so on...
Psychology research in forgiveness grew in recent years, it is a complex subject which has been studied for over two decades. I am absolutely fascinated by this topic and I wanted to share some interesting stuff I have learned while I was doing my research, this can be very beneficial to your life and self development.
WHAT IS FORGIVENESS?
Forgiveness has been described by psychologists as: "the person who was affected by a wrongdoer goes through a change in their emotions, state and attitude in relation to the offence committed"
Forgiveness is a powerful act that helps you move forward.
Forgiveness develops over the lifespan, this can be due our personal development, age, culture, values and history, studies suggest that a person who forgives is seen as having less vengeful emotions and avoidant behaviour.
Lets look at two types of forgiveness:
Emotional forgiveness - which is a change in the individual intentions towards the wrongdoer
Decisional forgiveness - a shift on negative and unforgiving emotions to positive emotions usually rooted in the individual emotions
You if see both are internal experiences, this shows that forgiving is not saying " I forgive you"as that is simply an act towards reconciliation thus to walk towards restoring trust between both individuals an interpersonal along with a conversational process has to take place.
Maybe we should explain this looking at what forgiveness is not...
forgiveness is not simply the word, how many say I forgive and still hurt in their heart?
Forgiveness is not pardoning, condoning, justifying, forgetting and reconciliation.
Forgiveness in as internal shift.
So,
WHY PEOPLE FORGIVE?
There is still very little on how and why people forgive and what one's concept of forgiveness is and how does that affect, contribute or delays the act of forgiveness
Disposition for forgiveness is linked with age, it is said that the older one gets it becomes more forgiving, studies also show that people who tend to forgive have more empathy, more agreeableness and altruistic tendencies, along with less rumination, lower neuroticism and being less narcotic.
They are healthier and happy, those people tent to have secure attachment styles.
Those who are resistant to forgiveness tend to hold on to negative emotions such as anger, resentfulness, bitterness, hostility and revenge which have a negative impact in both our emotional health and relationship with others.
Not being able to forgive can come from rumination as people can hold on to the actions of the wrongdoer and their motives along their beliefs and feelings towards the transgression, this can lead to seeking for retaliation, demanding an apology
using defence mechanisms such as denial and avoidance along with recreating a story aiming to justifying their actions of the way they are feeling.
BENEFITS OF FORGIVENESS
- A healthier mental health and wellbeing
- Contributes to a better health
- Healthy lifestyle
- Happier self
- Marital satisfaction
- Positive emotions
- Healthier and strong relationships
- self love and care
The acts of forgiving can be learned, hence interventions are used in many therapeutic settings and life coaching sessions as being one of the most powerful tools towards healing and peace.
SOMETHING TO REMEMBER
You have to Detach from your story, detach from the victim mode.
Your experience is not your destination and you should not continue allowing you to stop you and block you from moving forward. Contrary to many belief forgiving does not mean you need to sit and speak with the person again, it means you set yourself free to growth and development, you detach from what isn't healthy to your mind and heart.
Until you continue ruminating on a story that no longer serves you, you will be there in that story, reconnecting to the emotions and memories and being stuck to it, loosing control as the story is controlling you instead. whereas when you take ownership over your life and power and are able to forgive and detach you start a new chapter where you free yourself from the toxic cycle, and allow yourself to move foward.
You cannot move forward in frustration, be ready to detach and forgive:
Yourself: the things that you feel that you have done that brought you to the least desired places in your life, your younger self, your habits, procrastination, and everything that you feel you least enjoyed, forgive yourself for not knowing how to live yourself properly, and anything that you feel you should.
Experiences: don't settle for being a victim of your experiences, things happen to show you, teach you or take you somewhere you need to be. death from what was, be here in the now.
Others: People don't do nothing directly to you, each person act accordingly to their own reality, how they feel about themselves. Don't judge them forgive, let go and love.
Tip: You can have release conversations with people, write a letter.
Read: The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz
Forgiveness by Iyanla Vazant
An exercise that can help you:
There are many exercises, I will share with you one.
STEP 1- Think about a situation that is keeping you stuck, of you feel that you haven't let go yet.
STEP 2 - Jot down a list of the things that are frustrating you.
STEP 3 - Now read each of them and right how does each make you feel.
STEP 4 - Now re-write the story on how you want it to be ( each sentence)
STEP 5 - write in a paper what you are ready to let go and then read it, feel it coming out of your body and claim that is going, rip the paper, burn it or crunch it with your hand (how you feel you should let go).
I hope you have enjoyed this post and that it has benefited you.
Love and light
A mama Coach xx
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